It's a phase.
I'm only twenty, in some ways that feels like I have no room to "look back" on my life since its not that long in the scheme of things. In other ways I feel like my life changes so rapidly I should take more time to take notes of things in my past. I'm starting to view my past the same way I view history. In school, most of my favorite teachers were history teachers, not because I loved history, although it has grown on me. I think I loved my history classes most because I was told valuable life lessons I still think about. In middle school I was taught, if you don't focus on history it will eventually repeat itself. I always thought that my teacher was talking about historical issues, politics blah blah blah but I have woken up to the fact that he was also talking about life in general. I have started to look back at things that I dealt with in high school and realize I am dealing with the same issues now. Why? Because I chose to not deal with things from my past and just repeat my faults.
So I started this blog to write about "phases" I was pretty much going to express that I think our life is just made up of different phases. We meet someone new, friend/partner/whatever, and we start to get to know them. We realize there is something about this person we like and can connect to. They make us feel good we make them feel good everything is good. Once you spend an amount of time with them, you start to pick up on things you don't like so much, you hold your tongue, you keep quiet, then you cant keep quiet anymore. You argue or become passive aggressive toward this person. You eventually either remember why you enjoyed spending time with them or you don't understand why you ever did and you part ways. That is when you meet someone new, this person makes you feel good and you make them feel good and everything is good...so on and so on. And that this is a sad part of life we have to move on from. I don't think it's that sad anymore.
Honestly for the longest time I have blamed other people for the abrupt ending of past "phases" of my life. However I always questioned, is there a deep rooted reason as to why I cant keep a best friend for longer then a certain amount of time? Am I that draining of a person, when people spend too much time with me do they get so annoyed that they become a bitch so I will leave them alone? I go through these cycles of phases constantly from elementary school up to the end of this year.
It wasn't until I wrote this out that I realized "phasing out" can be a good sign. Its not that my time spent in this phase means nothing, it means that I have learned enough about myself to realize things about me. Like how I enjoy being around certain types of people. It also teaches you the type of people you don't match with. If you are a giving person it my not be the best thing to be with someone who is emotionally needy. They may take too much and leave you drained.
Everyone changes, we are not the same person we were at this exact moment a year ago. I am not the same me, and just like history, I will repeat myself until I realize I have to change.
So here is how I will change. There will be no more picking faults in others. When I know the fault in why my friendship doesn't last is myself or something I said or did not say, I need to take ownership in that. And to those people who I may have "phased out", I want you to know that you had such an impact on my life. I am thankful for you. We helped each other through major life changes. I know I pushed you away and I am sorry.
I also want you to know I am not saying this to discount where my life is right now. I have some amazing people who guide me everyday, in this town and from 200 miles away. I am hopeful that I can take what I have discovered and use it to remind myself not to repeat "phasing" cycle.
It also hurts me to know that there is someone who probably doesn't realize how fast they are going through different "phases". They are pushing people out of their life before they get too close. Maybe the only way you can really learn a life lesson like this is to let life teach you. The hard way.
Maybe my words will make them look back, like my middle school history teacher. Yes, the past is the past, and the future is most important in life but, the past really makes us who we are. Maybe its time to deal with the past. Face what makes you insecure.
Each phase in my life has made me who I am today, so I cant look back on past phases with distaste. Think of it as a new day. The sun always rises after it sets. When you watch it rise you obviously know it will set in a few hours but, just because it will set, why would you not enjoy the daylight? Take as much as you can from each day between the rise and set and use it to make tomorrow even better.
So I started this blog to write about "phases" I was pretty much going to express that I think our life is just made up of different phases. We meet someone new, friend/partner/whatever, and we start to get to know them. We realize there is something about this person we like and can connect to. They make us feel good we make them feel good everything is good. Once you spend an amount of time with them, you start to pick up on things you don't like so much, you hold your tongue, you keep quiet, then you cant keep quiet anymore. You argue or become passive aggressive toward this person. You eventually either remember why you enjoyed spending time with them or you don't understand why you ever did and you part ways. That is when you meet someone new, this person makes you feel good and you make them feel good and everything is good...so on and so on. And that this is a sad part of life we have to move on from. I don't think it's that sad anymore.
Honestly for the longest time I have blamed other people for the abrupt ending of past "phases" of my life. However I always questioned, is there a deep rooted reason as to why I cant keep a best friend for longer then a certain amount of time? Am I that draining of a person, when people spend too much time with me do they get so annoyed that they become a bitch so I will leave them alone? I go through these cycles of phases constantly from elementary school up to the end of this year.
It wasn't until I wrote this out that I realized "phasing out" can be a good sign. Its not that my time spent in this phase means nothing, it means that I have learned enough about myself to realize things about me. Like how I enjoy being around certain types of people. It also teaches you the type of people you don't match with. If you are a giving person it my not be the best thing to be with someone who is emotionally needy. They may take too much and leave you drained.
Everyone changes, we are not the same person we were at this exact moment a year ago. I am not the same me, and just like history, I will repeat myself until I realize I have to change.
So here is how I will change. There will be no more picking faults in others. When I know the fault in why my friendship doesn't last is myself or something I said or did not say, I need to take ownership in that. And to those people who I may have "phased out", I want you to know that you had such an impact on my life. I am thankful for you. We helped each other through major life changes. I know I pushed you away and I am sorry.
I also want you to know I am not saying this to discount where my life is right now. I have some amazing people who guide me everyday, in this town and from 200 miles away. I am hopeful that I can take what I have discovered and use it to remind myself not to repeat "phasing" cycle.
It also hurts me to know that there is someone who probably doesn't realize how fast they are going through different "phases". They are pushing people out of their life before they get too close. Maybe the only way you can really learn a life lesson like this is to let life teach you. The hard way.
Maybe my words will make them look back, like my middle school history teacher. Yes, the past is the past, and the future is most important in life but, the past really makes us who we are. Maybe its time to deal with the past. Face what makes you insecure.
Each phase in my life has made me who I am today, so I cant look back on past phases with distaste. Think of it as a new day. The sun always rises after it sets. When you watch it rise you obviously know it will set in a few hours but, just because it will set, why would you not enjoy the daylight? Take as much as you can from each day between the rise and set and use it to make tomorrow even better.
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