restless |part one|

Do you ever get an overwhelming feeling of restlessness? Do you ever want to just leave? Get out of where ever you are or away from who you are with, drive away, book a flight or just disappear?

What stops you? 

The “what if’s” are what get me. One of my best friends wrote this amazing story recently about a character who we could both relate to. This character, Emily, wants to leave her small town behind for a new experience but kept putting it off for one reason or another. I can relate. Life becomes so repetitive that you need to get out but.. Money gets in the way. Life gets in the way. Sometimes we are afraid to leave family or friends behind. Maybe the people in your life need you close to them. Maybe you have unfinished business at home. Maybe you are afraid to live outside your comfort zone. Maybe you use these things as an excuse. Maybe not, maybe I'm the only one. 

As I am getting older I’m naturally becoming more self-aware. Being self-aware is a quality that I never realized  I admired in so many people. Lena Dunaham for instance uses her overly self aware-ness to entertain millions with the tone she writes her book and show. It's a funny, realistic, depressing and sometimes embarrassing view of life. I've noticed many people use the knowledge of their own flaws to relate to others. I have a friend who makes others more comfortable around her by making fun of her own flaws, thus easing the mood at her expense. I envy this trait so, I decided to work to become a more self aware 21 year old.

My first step has been more internal, figuring myself out. I decided that keeping a journal/note book would be a great way to track what goes on in my mind (and be able to remember what I was thinking). For a few months I have journaled random things that I feel. 

The journaling alone has been a great outlet for frustration. It has helped me form thoughts for blog post such as this one. 

This all brings me to the other night. I decided it was about time to read through some of these journal entries. VERY interesting. I hope nobody else ever has to endure reading my journal (for many many reasons). Although maybe it was only painful because it was my own inner thoughts. As I skimmed through reading over the past couple months (I only write a couple sentences about each day). There are days that I was anxious about work, sad because I missed my best friends, crushing on a guy or excited about a music release. I noticed a strange pattern. It tended to go like this:

Something new happens/ I meet someone new/ I start going to a new place.

It make me nervous. 

I worry about failing. 

I feel like quitting.

I stick with it.

I start to feel comfortable and accomplished.

I feel like I’ve mastered it.

I start to feel bored by it.

"it feels repetitive and I forgot why I even want this"

I begin to find all the bad in the situation/place/experience

I find any reason to move on/leave/escape

….just typing that pattern out makes me stressed. 

So now I've noticed this pattern. After reading through a few months of journal entries I already feel more self aware. Now I'm trying to figure out what to do with this information. Why am I so quick to restlessness? Why am I not content with the things/activities/positions/people in my life. This is not restricted to one thing its all different instances in my life. Just in the past few months but thinking back it can see the pattern in so many experiences in my past. 

I want to try something new with my blog and leave this post open ended because I don’t have any way to wrap this up. No answers as to why I'm so restless with life. I plan to do some research on other people with restless souls or even try to dig into more of me. Maybe to think through/process why I follow this pattern. Is it something everyone feel but doesn’t talk through? I would also love to hear what you feel about restlessness (even if you think it is just normal life shit)? Can you share you’re experience with me? 

You can text me or email me (hollyms94@gmail.com). 

Also thank you for taking time to read this, I got an email recently from someone who reads my blog and is able to relate to what I have to say. That was the best feeling in the world. 

Thank you <3