Write it down.

Right now it's 2:01 am and I'm laying in bed completely energized. I'm not sure why I'm feeling so alive when about 2 hours ago I was ready to throw the towel in and just give up. I've had a draining week of sitting in front of my laptop for hours, writing, testing and studying for finals. In between that I've spent 2 full night completely awake with headaches that won't go away no matter how much Powerade I drink, medicine I take, time I spend in a hot shower, or yoga I do. Basically, it's been a ball and now tomorrow/today (Saturday) I have the remainder of my finals to finish. 

It's now 2:05am and when I got home from work around midnight I was a mess. When I am angry I cry, so after a draining night at work I spent my 40 minute drive crying and wallowing in this shitty feeling. I pulled in my driveway and didn't even feel like getting out of my car. I actually had the urge to just throw something for some reason. I was so angry. I decided to turn the car off and sit for a second before going in. I want to distract myself from this feeling of anger. I hate this feeling. So I pull up social media. What a great distraction. Start scrolling. First post I see: Jon Bellion posted a sick black and white, no sound, sideways video of him performing to this turned up crowd. Cool! Scroll down. Second post I see: someone from highschool, that goes to nc state, has a photo front row at a Jon Bellion concert. Strange. Wait. JON had a concert that I had no clue about 2 hours away from me TONIGHT. 

Anger comes again and this time I actually throw a shoe at the passenger seat. I'm not angry because I am a whinny baby who wanted be at a concert instead of work. I was fully consumed with the feeling that nights like this, filled with anger and bullshit work problems that are not real life problems will always come first. When will I ever change that? I was overwhelmed with the feeling that I would never change that. 

I walked in the house went straight to my room took off my khakis (I'm convenced they make me angrier),  got in bed, put headphone in and listened to only the sounds of my aggressive typing into the notes app. I'm writing the one person who's judgment I appreciate, a strongly worded email about my feelings. My heart is racing with angry beats. I am still crying...listen, once I start I can't stop and I only really cry when I'm angry. I feel like I could throw up I'm so mad at everything. 

Type type type....type type type type TYPE TYPE TYPE. Ranting and raving, venting, word vomiting, whatever you want to call it. I did it. And as I'm wrapping up. Coming out of the anger coma. Realizing that I wrote SO MUCH SHIT. Questioning if I should just leave it in my notes app or email it to Chey. Writing the last sentence, I feel okay. No...not just okay, relieved is a better word. Relief. This weight has been lifted all because I expressed these feeling. I got it out of me and I can move on. 

Two days later I'm reading over this..I ended the email by saying "I can't have a future that looks like today". I still strongly back that up but, I guess that every day will bring me different challenges. Some days I will be fine. Some days I will carry this anger. How can I channel the angry energy into something that may help me with these emotional times in the future? Write it down. 

xxH